Things have been a little challenging lately. And by lately, I mean from May till about September 30th.
If I’m being honest, let’s include January, February, March and April into that party.
2016 has been really hard. And that’s saying something.
Especially since I’ve got blog posts written about how hard 2014 was (in parts) and 2015 (in different parts).
There comes a point where you just stop. You stop writing, you stop wanting to communicate. You stop thinking that things you think matter.
You beg to stop thinking.
I’ll never stop thinking.
I needed a solid break.
And boy did I break.
When you’re in a workout that’s a dance routine set to Ariana Grande’s “PROBLEMS” and you’re at the part of the routine where you are SUPER FLY and dancing to “I should be wiser and realize that I got (one less problem without you)” and you, in the middle of your slide and stomp awesomeness realize “hey, this is how I feel about DESIGN, self”… you take a minute.
I’ve taken 7 months.
Blog posts have been written, but I’ve been too tired to edit. Too drained, too sad, too frustrated. The voice inside of me says: ‘Work that you love “shouldn’t” make you feel this way’— which is bullshit. If you love it, you’re GOING to feel frustrated and sad and drained. If I didn’t LOVE it, I wouldn’t have the negative depth of that same emotional intensity.
I get that.
I “know” that.
But living it is entirely different.
So I dropped everything that wasn’t “essential”.
“EXTREME RELENTLESS SELF CARE!” I called it. Only workouts, Kubrick, client work, sweet loving family time, and gardening.
I couldn’t bring myself to apply to anything, or introduce myself to anyone. I didn’t even want to LOOK. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to throw my hands in the air and become a barista. A waitress. Anything but what I was doing. Which is frustrating because I did those things to support myself while I became what it is I am doing now.
But instead, I kept at it. I’m still keeping at it.
I know it’s just business with bad clients, I know this. I know it. But my heart is too in love with design to keep it as a ‘knowing’.
I’m bringing writing back into the focus again. I know it’s for the best. I know what happened to me has happened (and is happening) over and over again.
My heart will heal, my resolve will be strengthened, and I won’t even think about what’s happened the past few months or years because it will be a totally different experience.
That’s where I’m putting my focus: ahead of me.
*Why’d you use a Rothko, Jenny?
Well, I find his work both calming and mentally stimulating; an interesting and beautiful mix. His work gives me a quiet space to sit and think– and through this frustrating time, art delivered a billion fold. As it does!